Sunday, September 23, 2007
Procrastination
AHHHH! I am in a procrastination meltdown. I have things I need to do. But am I doing them? No. Duh. I need to write my philosophy paper. (Why do we study philosophy?) I've got the idea all locked safe in my head, but I don't have the focus to actually write the paper. I've always said that I work best under pressure. So since it's due on Tuesday, pressure is a given. But I honestly don't have the ability to care. Isn't that sad? I just don't care. It's a mood I suppose. I'll snap out of it, but not for today. I blame the procrastination box a.k.a. the T.V. And by blaming something else I hit the essence of procrastination-putting something off. Anyway, MTV has got this marathon of So You Think You Can Dance on and I'm mildly addicted. Honestly, I used to look down my nose at shows like this, but now my nose is glued to the procrastination box. It's so intense!!! I have serious appreciation for people who can move like that! I know I can't. I mean right now, between this sentence and the last I had to pause because Neil and Sabra were dancing. Sorry, you don't occupy my full attention at this momment. I'm also on some serious cough medicine (again). Maybe that has something to do with it. I didn't look at the side-effects. But anything that has the slightest chance of making me drowsy will times about ten. I'm very susceptable to medication, which is why I will NEVER do drugs! It would just kill me. I'm very sleepy. I like the possibility that it's not me it's the meds. But in reality it's probably the other way around. I've always been an advocate of America's procrastination.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Whatever Happened to the Energizer Bunny?
Nostalgia is something we all feel at some point in our lives. There is no way any one of us can escape it, because it is human nature to look back and sigh. I looked back and sighed this weekend, or rather I looked up and sighed. Yesterday was the annual balloon race down at Forrest Park.
When I was a child, we lived in the city, the very place so recently declared as the most dangerous city in the United States. I’m not going to lie, there were many nights were I heard what Mom called “a car backfiring”, but it wasn’t all bad. I remember Mom always tried to find fun, family-oriented things to do for us. One of my more vivid memories is going to Forrest Park and watching the balloons take off.
There they were large colorful carcasses balefully lying on the neatly trimmed grass. Even in rest the balloons looked magnificent to the young child that I was. Bouncing on the balls of my feet I tried to get a better look, but Mother’s hand kept me close to her side. Patience, always she preached to me of patience. I had to be patient in order to see the balloons.
Then after an eternity of child’s time, the balloons began to inflate. Great blasts of flame sucking air into the massive structure like the inverse of a dragon. Slowly the heaving sacks would take shape and dangle precariously above the Earth by a few feet, still tethered as I was to my mother.
The balloons were a sight to see waging war with the trees in a bid for space. Bright colors amid a canvas of green. When they took of it was as if I was with them. Flying high over the city, wind blowing in my face. I had all the emotion of a take off but I remained on the ground with my mother—unable to fly and soar.
Throughout the day we would watch for the balloons as we went about our other errands. They were always there, parading across the horizon. I always looked for the Energizer Bunny Balloon. In my heart of hearts I wanted that Bunny to win the race. And it never occurred to me that it didn’t always win because by nature the Energizer Bunny is supposed to keep going and going and going. I never supposed that would even stop, it was after all the Bunny.
When we moved out of the city to the suburbs, we never went back to the balloon race. We made new traditions of course, but a part of my heart still aches. I didn’t even realize that my heart hurt until last night when I saw the Energizer Bunny gliding across the sky, leading the pack of conventional balloons to glory. I kept my eyes on them as long as I could and sighed when they disappeared beneath the tree line as we drove through Old Webster. Nostalgia bit a hole in my heart and it aches knowing that it is missing some valuable piece. At times like this I miss my childhood, and wish I could charter a balloon to Never Never Land.
When I was a child, we lived in the city, the very place so recently declared as the most dangerous city in the United States. I’m not going to lie, there were many nights were I heard what Mom called “a car backfiring”, but it wasn’t all bad. I remember Mom always tried to find fun, family-oriented things to do for us. One of my more vivid memories is going to Forrest Park and watching the balloons take off.
There they were large colorful carcasses balefully lying on the neatly trimmed grass. Even in rest the balloons looked magnificent to the young child that I was. Bouncing on the balls of my feet I tried to get a better look, but Mother’s hand kept me close to her side. Patience, always she preached to me of patience. I had to be patient in order to see the balloons.
Then after an eternity of child’s time, the balloons began to inflate. Great blasts of flame sucking air into the massive structure like the inverse of a dragon. Slowly the heaving sacks would take shape and dangle precariously above the Earth by a few feet, still tethered as I was to my mother.
The balloons were a sight to see waging war with the trees in a bid for space. Bright colors amid a canvas of green. When they took of it was as if I was with them. Flying high over the city, wind blowing in my face. I had all the emotion of a take off but I remained on the ground with my mother—unable to fly and soar.
Throughout the day we would watch for the balloons as we went about our other errands. They were always there, parading across the horizon. I always looked for the Energizer Bunny Balloon. In my heart of hearts I wanted that Bunny to win the race. And it never occurred to me that it didn’t always win because by nature the Energizer Bunny is supposed to keep going and going and going. I never supposed that would even stop, it was after all the Bunny.
When we moved out of the city to the suburbs, we never went back to the balloon race. We made new traditions of course, but a part of my heart still aches. I didn’t even realize that my heart hurt until last night when I saw the Energizer Bunny gliding across the sky, leading the pack of conventional balloons to glory. I kept my eyes on them as long as I could and sighed when they disappeared beneath the tree line as we drove through Old Webster. Nostalgia bit a hole in my heart and it aches knowing that it is missing some valuable piece. At times like this I miss my childhood, and wish I could charter a balloon to Never Never Land.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
If wishes were horses, how far would I ride?
I wish I were whole. I wish things weren’t so melodramatic. I wish my knees were better. I wish nations didn’t try to destroy nations. I wish supernatural was natural. I wish people were 100% honest with me. I wish I were 100% honest with everyone else. I wish choices were easy. I wish for no regrets. I wish I would get published. I wish people didn’t starve. I wish my heart felt weightless. I wish people didn’t die needlessly every day. I wish my future were secure. I wish I could travel more. I wish I wasn’t afraid of so much. I wish for happiness. I wish I had a special someone. I wish that I could meet everyone’s expectations. I wish I could do what I love without hurting myself. I wish I were free. I wish he would go away. I wish I had religious convictions. I wish for sunny days. I wish for warm breezes. I wish for hope. I wish for roses. I wish for simplicity. I wish for good chocolate. I wish for magic. I wish for health. I wish for an inhibition-less existence. I wish for good grades. I wish for smiles. I wish for popularity. I wish my dog wouldn’t die. I wish I were strong enough to cry at the right moment, and to hold back at the wrong moment. I wish I could fix some things. I wish for wealth. I wish for an answer. I wish for music. I wish for laughter. I wish to be profound. I wish to be understood. I wish to fly through time. I wish good things for my mom. I wish for full moons. I wish for stars. I wish for green grass. I wish for pretty horses. I wish for blue skies. I wish for the right words. I wish for tranquility. I wish I were carefree. I wish for time. I wish for pleasant dreams. I wish for beauty. I wish for universal understanding. I wish for a castle. I wish I could forgive him. I wish I weren’t consumed by hate. I wish I always did the right thing. I wish I didn’t hurt anyone. I wish I would ride again. I wish for romance. I wish for rainbows. I wish for a tattoo. I wish for bravery. I wish for pretty shoes. I wish good always triumphed over evil. I wish there were no overdoses or suicides; I wish people happiness. I wish I were without greed. I wish I were without jealousy. I wish I were without hubris. I wish I had no addictions. I wish for more stories. I wish for sleep. I wish Murphy wasn’t right. I wish for an infinite number of wishes.
Monday, September 03, 2007
What Grade Do I Deserve in life?
So I have finally received my first writing assignment of the year in my Pegasus 12 class. The assignment is to write a letter (or at least that was what I chose to do) to someone on September 5th of next year about our life after high school. The whole point of this assignment is to establish what we picture for ourselves—our goals, problems, successes, etc. Also the assignment is supposed to be fun. No ma’am. No it is not.
This assignment cannot be fun. The nature of an assignment is to be graded. So if a + b = c, then I am going to be graded on what I would consider my life (or future life). To me this sounds incredibly scary. What if I get a bad grade on my life? I mean, I’m supposed to hand in this paper and let a third party judge my goals, my hopes, and my dreams. To be real I would say that is what a person is judged on to a certain degree, but getting a grade for a number of points is different. In my mind it has the potential to be extremely painful.
Where I picture myself in a year is a small town in Ohio called Ada. Ada, Ohio, is home to the small school of Ohio Northern University. I know in my heart that this is the school that I belong in. The program is excellent, the students are friendly, and class sizes are relatively small, which is what I really want. My goal in life is to write. Poetry, stories, memoirs—it doesn’t matter I just want to do it. So my major would be creative writing. Later I plan on getting a masters in English literature; maybe even a teaching certificate. What would be really nice is if I were able to teach at the college level, which would give me time to write.
Even while I know ONU is the best place for me there are a lot of roadblocks for me personally. I love my family and friends. They’ve always been close to me, and as such, a big part in my life. Ohio is a eight hour drive in one direction, which is manageable, but that also means I probably wouldn’t be able to do it too often. That is one of my biggest resignations about going to school in Ohio.
Another one is Ada’s isolation. The campus is smack dab in the middle of cornfields. For a city girl like me that’s a little odd. Not insurmountable, but odd. Also the nearest town is twenty minutes away, and there isn’t much to do there either. Wal-Mart is one of the few highlights. Call me spoiled but I like to shop; I like to have entertainment at my fingertips; I like the ability to go out and see the latest movie at random. All this is limited in Ada. Not impossible, but limited.
The other big bad is the dorm sizes. Small as a broom cupboard! Supposedly two to four people are supposed to fit into rooms that are half the size of my small room at home. Yes, the dorm is part of the college experience, but I need my space. I’m not just saying this. I really would go off on anyone who lived with me. I’m the type of person who needs their alone time or else.
Despite all this I really want to go to ONU. My theme for my senior year is no regrets. College is the main reason for that little motto. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret what I did or didn’t do for the rest of my life. I have all these goals, fears, and hopes that I packed into this tiny three-page paper, and I’m terrified of them being rejected.
This paper represents more than just a grade to me. This is my life that someone else is grading, and that truly scares me. Is everything I wrote going to come true? No, of course not! But it’s what I wish for when I go to sleep at night, what I dream of when I’m sleeping, and what keeps me going when I’m awake. And I just don’t want someone to give me a grade on that.
This assignment cannot be fun. The nature of an assignment is to be graded. So if a + b = c, then I am going to be graded on what I would consider my life (or future life). To me this sounds incredibly scary. What if I get a bad grade on my life? I mean, I’m supposed to hand in this paper and let a third party judge my goals, my hopes, and my dreams. To be real I would say that is what a person is judged on to a certain degree, but getting a grade for a number of points is different. In my mind it has the potential to be extremely painful.
Where I picture myself in a year is a small town in Ohio called Ada. Ada, Ohio, is home to the small school of Ohio Northern University. I know in my heart that this is the school that I belong in. The program is excellent, the students are friendly, and class sizes are relatively small, which is what I really want. My goal in life is to write. Poetry, stories, memoirs—it doesn’t matter I just want to do it. So my major would be creative writing. Later I plan on getting a masters in English literature; maybe even a teaching certificate. What would be really nice is if I were able to teach at the college level, which would give me time to write.
Even while I know ONU is the best place for me there are a lot of roadblocks for me personally. I love my family and friends. They’ve always been close to me, and as such, a big part in my life. Ohio is a eight hour drive in one direction, which is manageable, but that also means I probably wouldn’t be able to do it too often. That is one of my biggest resignations about going to school in Ohio.
Another one is Ada’s isolation. The campus is smack dab in the middle of cornfields. For a city girl like me that’s a little odd. Not insurmountable, but odd. Also the nearest town is twenty minutes away, and there isn’t much to do there either. Wal-Mart is one of the few highlights. Call me spoiled but I like to shop; I like to have entertainment at my fingertips; I like the ability to go out and see the latest movie at random. All this is limited in Ada. Not impossible, but limited.
The other big bad is the dorm sizes. Small as a broom cupboard! Supposedly two to four people are supposed to fit into rooms that are half the size of my small room at home. Yes, the dorm is part of the college experience, but I need my space. I’m not just saying this. I really would go off on anyone who lived with me. I’m the type of person who needs their alone time or else.
Despite all this I really want to go to ONU. My theme for my senior year is no regrets. College is the main reason for that little motto. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret what I did or didn’t do for the rest of my life. I have all these goals, fears, and hopes that I packed into this tiny three-page paper, and I’m terrified of them being rejected.
This paper represents more than just a grade to me. This is my life that someone else is grading, and that truly scares me. Is everything I wrote going to come true? No, of course not! But it’s what I wish for when I go to sleep at night, what I dream of when I’m sleeping, and what keeps me going when I’m awake. And I just don’t want someone to give me a grade on that.
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