Back Off Bill!

I am not politically inclined. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you which party I belong to. In government class everyone took a quiz to see what their political affiliations were; I came out an even split. So I am a hybrid, a Republocrat, or a Demoican.

What little political information I have I get from the grapevine. And boy-o-boy did I get some sour grapes! Bill Clinton wants to take the soda machines out of our schools. I could forgive him for Monica; I can’t forgive him for this.

Sometimes I just need a soda to get me through the day. Not because I’m addicted but because I spent the previous night working my butt off for school or school related activities, and by fourth hour am in a world of hurt. I’m tired, cranky, and I can’t concentrate. What I really need is sleep, but they cut off naptime a long time ago so I have to settle for a little caffeine.

I trudge to the machines, put my sixty cents in the coin slot, and push a button. Nothing happens. That glorious rumble is silenced. I pound the button again, thinking I didn’t press it hard enough the first time. I got nothing. I want to scream, “This isn’t fair!” Perhaps the machine is malfunctioning, that is logical, but instead I blame Bill.

I am a diet drinker, and diet sodas don’t have any sugar. Clinton’s argument hinges on the fact that soft drinks contain too much sugar. I am being punished for something I don’t even drink. I can admire Clinton’s attempt to fight obesity in America but there are too many chinks in his armor.

You see Bill, kids have these nifty things called lunch boxes. Wonderful insulated little things that could easily hold a nice cold pop. And any kid who can drive or even walk could go off campus and get a bottle of soda. No teacher is going to say, “Now listen here, Sonny Jim, you can’t have that soda on campus.” Why? Because an equal amount of teachers depend on sodas to get them through their days too. So the entire affair would become a ‘wink-wink nudge-nudge’ operation.

Something else that doesn’t seem quite right to me is the participation of Pepsi and Coke in Clinton’s campaign. Why would the two companies who surely are making a buck off of young Americans want to give up their juicy cash cow? Apparently bad press is enough to make the two moguls come to heel. Potential lawsuits loomed over both companies, and the pop powerhouses were looking to make a similar deal with lawyers from the Center of Informed Food Choices. Then Clinton came calling. The jolly former President certainly gives a better press picture than suits, so the companies jumped at the offer. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I feel I’ve been sold out! I mean I know soda isn’t perfectly healthy but neither is beer. Are you going to tell blue-collar Americans that they can’t have a beer after work now Bill? They work hard all day, and when they get a break they wind down with a bottle of beer. Sure this isn’t a perfect parallel, but you get my point. I work too. That’s what school is work. My break just happens to come in the middle of the day. Be happy Bill that I’m not drinking beer, then you’d have a real problem.

Sodas aren’t the biggest threat to the American youth’s health. Big, greasy portions are. Why not attack McDonalds, Bill? Haven’t you seen Super Size Me? Or what about those places that advertise a humongous burger that if you can finish it in an hour they’ll name it after you. Doesn’t that strike you as a problem? Your wife’s a senator in New York isn’t she Bill? Well New York is one of the most popular places for food eating contests. Stuffing twenty-some-odd hotdogs down your throat in two minutes seems like the fast track to obesity to me. But what do I know? Sip your Slim Fast Bill and think about it.